Mourning your children's childhood

Mourning your children’s childhood and accepting them as adults.

Emma (background) David, Sally & Matthew

I found it very hard to say goodbye to our children’s childhood as they grew older.  I mourned for the days when they were small and we were their everything.  Those times when Emma the boys were noisy and play-fought everywhere, when I couldn't even hear myself think.  All those cuddles, snotty noses, tears and laughter.  

A mother’s duty is to love your children, nurture them, and protect them from harm, it’s really hard to switch all that off.  

When David my firstborn arrived, I spent a lot of time just looking at him sleeping,  staring and thinking, look what we have created. I have a whole blank human here to guide and develop.  The responsibility was overwhelming.  I vowed to be the best mother I could possibly be. 

 I often would remember my Nana, and thought what would she do, whenever a problem occurred. She looked after me from the age of two.  She died when I was 21 after 4 long years of dementia, in the end she didn’t recognise anyone, a very hard way to go,  but she was an amazing woman and mother figure.  

Nana - Annie Louisa Mason 1888-1981

I have a long memory and remember the days of being at home with her.  She would play the piano and I would dance and she would knit and crochet me clothing, she brought music and craft into my life at an early age even teaching me to knit and crochet, a hard task, as I was left handed and she was right.  I couldn't have asked for a better role model for being a mother.

Eighteen months after David, Matthew came along, a brother and lifelong friend to grow up with.  I marvelled at their antics and also their differences.  They were such easy babies, and everyday was a joy to watch them.  But I still felt our little family was not complete.  Two was not noisy enough, we tried again a few years after Matthew. A sudden ectopic pregnancy stunned us out of complacency.  Now I was only firing on one tube and the chances of further children diminished.  However, Emma made an appearance in 1992. And to top it off she was a girl!  I now had the complete set.  Now the boys would have a little sister to love and protect.  The first thing the boys said when I was changing her nappy in the nursing home where she was born, was “where’s her willy?”  I am sure Emma would say that my initial thoughts for her brother’s relationship to her were a little off the mark.

After Emma completed our family the next ten years were filled with fun and laughter.  Many stories are often recalled about those family times.  Martin was working a great deal so I was alone a lot of the time with them.  However, when he was home we made the most of it with holidays, family visits and walks with the dog.

Then it seemed like in an instant everything changed.  David was suddenly 18 and went to University in Portsmouth.  We were so proud he had gotten into his marine biology course.  He was always into sea-life and marine animals.  Little did we realise our world was starting to evolve.  Matthew followed a few years later, going to Southampton on a Maths course.  We were left with Emma for a few years, but she was making plans and in no time at all Martin and I were facing each-other over the breakfast table having to talk to just each-other and the house was eerily quiet.

I have to admit I shed some tears when I realised that those carefree days of squealing children all around me tugging on my arm and testing my wits were gone forever.  Of course they came home in the holidays but they were now young adults, living their own lives and saw us for what we really are and that is fallible adults who are growing older and possibly may not know everything.  

We downsized houses when Martin retired, the big old farmhouse seemed too big for us now.  We moved to the coast.  At least it may encourage the children to visit us, almost like a holiday home. 

Then crazy things started to happen! They all got married one after the other, now instead of three children there were six.  Then even crazier they started producing as well six quickly became eight, then eleven and we now have number twelve on the way.  I am now not mourning my children’s childhoods anymore but enjoying their children’s childhoods and feeling so blessed and beginning to learn that this is life and how lucky we are to be a part of it.  Sometimes, I wish we had a bigger house.  

We are so proud to watch our children become parents and yes, we have to let them make their own mistakes, and watch quietly and offer advice occasionally, but only if asked for.  A hard thing to do sometimes.

🤐